Peter's Story

I was very young when I first drank alcohol and unlike some I certainly didn't drink alcoholically from the beginning. But at around 15 or 16 years old I began to drink with friends. It was always my intention to get drunk, not just have a few. At that age many of my friends were doing the same and so I didn't particularly stand out as different. Even at University my drinking seemed normal and, in comparison to others, not that bad.

At Uni I lived on a shoestring and so in order to drink as much as I wanted I had to flirt my way around the bars getting people to buy my drinks. It seemed like so much fun but despite this I found myself gradually sinking into a deeper and deeper depression. It was at this time that I chose to come out not just to my friends but family too and so blamed my depression on coming to terms with my sexuality rather than anything else. In fact alcohol seemed to be more of a help than a hindrance at that time.

At the end of of my first year I had what would probably now be called a breakdown and left university before completing my degree. It felt like the pressure was off for a while and so I began to look for work. 

After a short time working in a dead end job I made up my mind to try for the airlines. Thankfully I passed my first interview and was soon on my way to what was to be a rewarding and fulfilling career. I enjoyed working as cabin crew and was successful, gaining promotion after promotion despite my young age. Unfortunately as my career progressed, so did my alcoholism. 

I frequently stole alcohol and often came into work with raging hangovers. Had I been breath tested I would certainly have lost my job on countless occasions. But for the most part, although my drinking was out of control, it was great fun visiting place after place and meeting an endless flow of new and exciting people.

After a couple of years in the job I met my first serious boyfriend. He enjoyed drinking and we quickly moved in together. It wasn’t long before we began fighting and after eighteen months together in two different homes we went through a very messy and complicated breakup that included violence. Again alcohol was my great comforter and saw me through this really rough time.

Soon after we broke up I met another man. A man who was to be my rock and truest friend for nearly twenty years. I hadn’t been looking for love, in fact I’d wanted to be single for a while, but when I met him I just knew it was right. Thankfully for me he felt the same way and we began a relationship.

For the first few years of our relationship everything went well. We went on holidays, had plenty of friends and got to know one-another's families. I even got promoted at work (by the skin of my teeth). We moved in together and enjoyed making the home we'd dreamed of. But all the time my drinking was gradually escalating and life for me was getting harder. We began to row more frequently, if I had no excuse to drink I'd be so irritable I'd end up causing a row and so giving myself a reason to drink. 

In the end I gave up my work blaming it on 'stress'. Truthfully it was going into work with ever more epic hangovers that caused me to leave. Mt partner and I tried working together but that didn't work out too well and so eventually I began working part-time doing various small jobs where I could find them.

The last day of my drinking was much like every other. I had woken up that morning promising myself that I wouldn't drink today and by 6pm I was drunk as a skunk and went into blackout. The next thing I remember I was outside my house with two Police officers who wouldn't let me back in. I had no idea what I'd done. 

After a night with my in-laws I went to stay with my parents. This was it, the end for my partner and I, so I needed a place to stay. I'd discovered that I'd trashed the house and attacked my partner during my blackout and so this time I knew that I had to stop drinking. I also knew that I couldn’t do it alone. For a few days I sweated it out and experienced the most horrendous panic attacks. It was hell but it had to be done, I was through with drinking.

I don't know for sure where I'd heard of AA, but during an online search the Alcoholics Anonymous website appeared. I didn't think I was an alcoholic, they live on park benches and drink out of paper bags, so I couldn't be one! But my curiosity got the better of me and I read a list of forty or so questions to help me determine if I was an alcoholic. To my surprise it seemed more than clear that I was just that.

I sent an email asking for help and a lady replied almost immediately. 'Hello,' it read, 'my name's Carol and I'm a recovered alcoholic.' I was mortified! An alcoholic? I was expecting a soulless call centre to field my email to some local social worker or the like. She kindly provided me with some information about my local AA meeting (which was at the end of my road!) and offered to put me in touch with another member of AA who was local to me. I didn't want some shabby looking alkie turning up at my house, so I said I'd make my own way to the meeting when I was next available. 

My partner and I patched things up and he took me back under the understanding that we'd take all the booze out the house for the time being. A few days later I went to my first AA meeting. Being the know-it-all that I was, I thought I knew what to expect. I'd sussed there was a God angle so expected to be rejected as soon as they learnt that I was gay. But I was desperate and willing enough to try anything. And I'm glad to say that I've never found any homophobia in AA.

I'd expected the members to be a bit unkempt and the meeting to be rather a depressing experience, that we'd all take it in turns to moan about how bad life was without alcohol. To my surprise everyone looked well, clean and happy. They welcomed me and suggested that I just listen and try to ignore the differences and listen for the similarities. I was given a cup of coffee and I sat and waited. The meeting began and before the first person had finished speaking, sharing their story, I knew I was in the right place. Something began to break in me — my denial. For the first time in my life I heard people talking about how I felt, openly and without shame, but they looked so well!

I remained cynical for a few weeks. I was given a copy of the 'Big Book' and read it cover to cover, looking for the angle. Did AA want my money? Was it a cult? Was there a membership fee? None of these things turned out to be true, all they wanted was to pass on to me what they had learned about how to recover from alcoholism and how not to drink one day at a time. I learned later that the only way I can pay it back is to pay it forward to the next person.

When they told me that it was the first drink that did the damage I thought they were crazy. It was something like the tenth that did it for me, one didn't even touch the sides! But eventually I learned that alcoholics react differently to alcohol, that once we start drinking, we begin to crave it and that that doesn't happen to ordinary people. Finally I had an explanation for how I drank! 

Then I learned that just knowing that wasn't enough because I also had a mental obsession with alcohol that doomed me to begin drinking again no matter how hard I tried or how long I went sober for. So I was damned. The solution they offered through the twelve steps seemed pretty drastic but I knew that I was like these people and so I knew I had no choice if I wanted to stay sober and remain alive.

I'd heard in the meetings that getting a sponsor to help you through the steps was a good idea. I'd also heard that it was suggested that men sponsor men and women sponsor women. This wasn't going to work for me, it didn't take me long to figure that out! So I found a kind, happy, sober woman who'd done the steps and was willing to show me what she'd done to get where she was. She was eighteen months sober which to me seemed like a lifetime! 

I didn't call her as she'd suggested, I thought I was doing fine. I looked better, felt better and didn't want a drink. But after a small argument with my partner I realised that I wasn't quite as well as I thought! The slightest bump in the road felt like a land mine. I'd already realised that I couldn't live with alcohol but it wasn't until now that I realised I couldn't live without it either. Just not drinking wasn't the answer, I had to do the work. I had to have the AA program for myself. Just sitting in AA meetings wasn't going to fix me any more than sitting in a garage was going to make me a car!

My sponsor and I began to meet weekly and talk most days on the phone. She taught me all about AA, and together we read the Big Book and did what it suggested. It wasn't complicated, but it wasn't always easy, it meant the reduction of my ego and the development of a belief in God, God as I understood Him. I had to make amends with those I'd hurt in my life, take stock of those I resented and finally carry the AA message to others and try to stay close to God.

When I got to the step where I needed to make a decision to turn my life over to God, I was hesitant. I’d had a strong Christian upbringing and didn’t fancy going back to a God that judged me. But I’d read all the stories in the back of the Big Book and heard a lot of peoples stories in the AA meetings and I was comforted when I remembered that it was a God of my understanding. I could handle that. So I made a short prayer giving myself to Him. There was no earth shaking bolt of lightening or sudden awakening but a gentle peace came over me that I wasn’t expecting. I felt at home and truly at peace for the first time in many years.

Before long I felt the alcohol problem lift. I've not obsessed about alcohol since then, not once. The thought has crossed my mind on occasion but when it has the idea has seemed ridiculous to me, absurd even. I don't fight to stay sober today, it feels miraculous. I have recovered from both the mental obsession and physical reaction but know I must keep working the AA program if I want to stay that way.

At the end of my drinking I had no friends and no purpose. Today I have a wealth of true friends, there is more love in my life today than I ever thought possible. My relationship with my partner ended suddenly in 2022 but I felt no compulsion to drink. We had many happy years together, had got married and adopted two wonderful children. I’m grateful for that. Today I try to live in the day and have found a life with purpose and meaning. I'm trusted to care for my family's children and can go to events where alcohol is served without fear. I feel reborn.

Over thirteen years have passed since my last drunk. I'm now a sponsor myself and realise the importance of carrying the message. Helping others helps to keep me sober, they teach me more than my sponsor ever did. I wish I could find the words to express to them how valuable they are to me. Watching them get well has been one of the most rewarding things in my life.

Today I do service in the fellowship, trying to help pass on the message of AA. Sometimes in doing that I get the odd email from a newcomer asking for help. Today it's my turn to be the one who can reply, 'Hi, I'm Peter and I'm a recovered alcoholic. How can I help?'